Are We REALLY Surprised? Iraqi Cop Moonlighting As Terrorist Just To Make Ends Meet

BAGHDAD—When the hot evening sun sets over Baghdad, Sulieman Hassim does not go home to his wife and family. For this Iraqi, the work day has only just begun.
Hassim waves several Total Islamic War coworkers through a checkpoint.
Hassim, 32, is a two-year veteran of the Baghdad police force. Despite earning "danger pay," he still struggles to stay afloat financially, and has had to take on a second job as a terrorist just to make ends meet.
"After my electricity and water supply were restored, I suddenly had a lot more bills to pay," Hassim said. "Jobs are still pretty scarce, but I figured terrorists are always hiring."
Hassim, who has previously supplemented his income with such part-time jobs as guarding gas-fueled turbines from insurgents and driving a taxi, said he was initially unsure that he was qualified for terrorist work.
"My buddy Abdullah [Bahri] worked at the Brotherhood Of Total Islamic War, and he said he'd put in a good word for me with the head sheik," Hassim said. "I didn't expect to hear back for a while, but before I knew it, I got an interview."
While Hassim had worried that his lack of experience and his creased suit would hurt his chances of being hired, he later said "the only thing they seemed to care about was whether I had a car."
Although happy to have extra work, Hassim is not always able to fulfill his duties as a terrorist, resulting in some unexpected complications.
"Last week, I couldn't work a suicide-bombing shift because I had to be alive early the next morning for patrol duty," Hassim said. "I was calling everyone, but I had a hell of a time trying to find someone to replace me. At the last minute, Fathi [Abd al-Khalid] agreed to take the shift. That guy's such a martyr."
After less than a month as a terrorist, the physical and mental strain of working 70-hour weeks can be seen in Hassim's tired, sunken eyes and stooped posture. Complaining of exhaustion, Hassim said that he doesn't "know what job [he's] at half the time."
Hassim works a night shift for the Brotherhood Of Total Islamic War.
"Several times, I've found myself wondering, 'Now, why am I shooting this guy again? Because he's just stolen a can of gasoline, or because he's a cowardly informant of the hated occupier?'" Hassim said. "'Should I mow down the American soldiers at this checkpoint, or politely flash my badge?'"
Hassim said he had a particularly close call last Sunday.
"I was screaming that U.S. soldiers are murderous infidels whose blood should be spilled without hesitation, when I realized that I was at the police station," Hassim said. "Luckily, the other officers either weren't paying attention or they agreed with me."
Hassim said it "felt strange" to bomb an embassy outpost, punch out, report to work as a police officer, then return to the same site an hour later to secure the area.
"That's happened a couple times," Hassim said. "I find myself going, 'Déjà vu?' And then I'm like, 'Oh, yeah.'"
Hassim's supervisors at both the police station and the Brotherhood Of Total Islamic War were critical of his job performance.
"Hassim's accidental-kill rate has doubled in recent weeks," said Capt. Badeer Mustafa, Hassim's immediate superior at the police department. "Last week, he shot 20 civilians. I might have to dock his pay."
Mohammed al-Zahass, a high commander with the Brotherhood Of Total Islamic War, has been displeased with Hassim's performance, as well.
"Second time this week, we've had to tell him to hit 'record' on the video camera, not 'play,'" al-Zahass said. "I couldn't believe it. I said, 'Look at the buttons if you're confused!' It's not like you can behead a hostage twice."
Hassim's family has also felt the strain.
"I rarely see my husband anymore," Ghayda Hassim said. "I never thought I'd say this, but I miss the early months of the occupation when Sulieman was out of work like everyone else, sipping mint tea, watching Al-Jazeera at full blast, and ordering me around like a slave. I want my old Sulieman back."
Although Hassim, like most Iraqis, would like to see an end to the bloodshed, the father of four admitted he just can't afford it.
"If the situation in Iraq were to stabilize, I could possibly lose not only one job, but two. Thankfully, I won't have to worry about that for a long, long time."

Son, You'll Always Remember Your First Time, Because I'm Going To Film It

By Fritz Becker August 31, 2005 http://http://www.theonion.com/content/node/40089
I know you've been attending a lot of parties recently. And while you may think your dad is clueless, I'm clued-in enough to realize that pretty soon you're going to start experimenting with sex. Nothing much I can do about it, I realize. But I do want to tell you one thing: No matter how old you get, or how many partners you have, you will always remember your first time. Why? Because I'm going to film it.
I can hardly believe you've grown so fast. It seems like just yesterday I was videotaping your conception.
Well, I'm proud of you. You've come a long way in 16 years, and so has video-recording technology. Today's digital cameras have far better resolution than the one I used just four short years ago to capture the wonder of your body becoming that of a young man's.
This is a big step you're about to make, and your first time should be special. So make sure you share it with the right person. Someone you can trust and feel comfortable with. Like, for example, Judi, from down the street. She seems like she'd be an ideal candidate, if only she were a couple years older. Actually, she's perfect. Let's go with her.
You see, son, I'm determined to get this right. I don't want you to make the same mistakes I did. The image quality from my first time is very poor. I could barely make out what was going on. It comes off as so awkward and uncomfortable without any close-ups or cutaways. To tell you the truth, as drunk as I was, I'm surprised I even had the camera pointing in the right direction. I want you to have the quality first time that I couldn't. I want a milestone the whole family can enjoy each time I decide to pull out the tape for viewing. Thanksgiving, Christmas, birthdays, family movie night, whenever.
There's no need to worry. The first time can be magical. Electrifying, even. When you're in bed with that special someone, your young, taut bodies entwined in pleasure and passion, nothing else in the world matters. Everything around you just fades away. I can't explain it, son. We'll have to watch it a few times before I can put it into words.
Sure, it can also be a bit nerve-racking, what with the boom mike hanging over the bed. But you don't have to worry. I'll be right there, behind the camera, giving you direction. Uncle Gary will be there, too. He'll be in charge of lighting and shooting B-roll. All you have to do is relax and act natural. Just ask your sister. Or better yet, let's watch the tape of her first time. It'll put your mind at ease.
And let's not forget the most important part: protection. I can't stress this enough, so please listen very carefully. Whoever it is you decide to share your first sexual experience with, always be sure you get them to sign the all-purpose waiver relieving us from any and all liability.
I think you're ready now, son. Don't forget what we've talked about. And don't forget that you'll always remember your first time. And your second, third, and fourth times, too.

Best Personal Ad Ever!

CANANDAIGUA, New York - A farmer who planted his own personal ad in a cornfield has received more than 700 replies, but he's only been in touch with the writer of one.

Western New York cattle-and-crops farmer Pieter DeHond, a 41-year-old divorced father of two, planted a lovelorn message in his cow pasture using 50-foot (15-meter) letters made from corn stalks.

It said "S.W.F Got-2 (love symbol) Farm'n" (Single White Female Got to Love Farming). Since it was planted in May, the cornfield ad has generated media attention as far away as South Africa.

One California woman answering DeHond's ad had a pizza delivered to his farmhouse door along with a note that included her first name and phone number.

"That seemed like a nice thing to do," said DeHond, adding that he called to thank her.

Since then, they've exchanged calls and letters.

"A very attractive woman" is how DeHond described his new friend to his hometown newspaper the Daily Messenger of Canandaigua. He added they may eventually arrange to meet.

Meanwhile, DeHond said he's keeping all the letters and newspaper clippings in a box, "so 20 years from now I can look back and laugh and say, `Look what I stirred up.'"

*Copyright 2005 The Associated Press. All rights reserved.

The Brown Bunny

This is an odd movie... to say the least. There was a lot of scanning forward and very little dialouge. I appreciate all types of films, but is there anything Chloë Sevigny won't do? I can't say I loved it, nor can I claim hatred.

In particular, Roger Ebert called the film "the worst in the history of Cannes" to which Vincent Gallo responded that Ebert was a "fat pig with the physique of a slave trader". Ebert paraphrased a remark of Winston Churchill and responded that "although I am fat, one day I will be thin, but Mr. Gallo will still have been the director of 'Brown Bunny'". Gallo then put a "hex" on Ebert's colon, to which Ebert responded that "even my colonoscopy was more entertaining than his film".
http://http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0330099/trivia

Dave Matthews Not That Into Himself Anymore

CHARLOTTESVILLE, VA—Dave Matthews, the 38-year-old singer and guitarist for the multi-platinum group The Dave Matthews Band, announced Tuesday that he is no longer into himself.

"I used to be a hardcore Dave Matthews fan," said Matthews on the porch of his Virginia home. "I had all my records and posters. I was so blown away by everything I did—especially my live performances. I remember me and my buddies used to drive for hours just to go to one of our shows."

Matthews, who formed the Dave Matthews Band in 1991, is perhaps best known for the hit songs "Crash Into Me" and "The Space Between."

"Me and my band are still okay, but I feel like I've grown out of us," Matthews said. "Back when I was in the college charts, we were about all I listened to, but I guess I'm at the point in my life where my music just doesn't speak to me."

Matthews admitted that most of his current Dave Matthews listening is confined to overhearing a hit single on a jukebox or PA system. However, while doing dishes last weekend, he tried listening to 1998's Before These Crowded Streets, an album he had not heard in over two years. The singer admitted that by the fourth track, he was barely even listening.

"It sounded like this sort of worldbeat background drone," Matthews said. "So I took it off and put on some Stevie Ray Vaughan instead."

"Rock music with a violin? I don't know," Matthews added. "Seemed cool once."

Although Matthews continues to attend every single performance of his band, and even his own solo appearances, he claims it's "more out of obligation" than out of passion for his music.

Matthews said that while he once felt exhilarated whenever his group launched into one of their famous prolonged jam sessions, he can now "barely sit through them." Said Matthews: "Lately, I try to vary my routine so I don't get bored on stage. Usually, if there's a long solo, I'll go get a beer or check out the T-shirts."

Matthews even feels isolated from fans with whom he once felt a strong bond, disparaging them as "lame." He also admits that the older he gets, the more out of place he feels around "kids in their Dave Matthews phase."

"I used to talk for hours about my music or spend a whole night in a DMB chatroom," Matthews said. "But now, the people at the shows seem like such geeks, standing there with their elaborate taping equipment. They're really, really young, too. What do I have in common with them? They're just a bunch of kids who need someone to look up to. Why would I look up to me? I'm so 1997."

Yet for all his disenchantment with the Dave Matthews Band, he'll still "probably check me out at Farm Aid in September." Added Matthews: "If I'm even playing there this year. I don't even know. Dave Matthews—that is to say, me—just isn't where I'm coming from anymore."

Funny Shiznit... Amen!

http://www.liberalslikechrist.org/index.htm